A very long and very funny list of Geek/Computer User Humor
A very long and very funny list of Geek/Computer User Humor
There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people. :)
Who is this "General Failure" and why are they reading MY drive?! :)
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Hit any user to continue.
E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
I hit the CTRL key, but I'm still not in control!
<-------- The info went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "Del *.*" = 100% compression
DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something...
SENILE.COM found... Out of memory...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
"Check the UBK*;
that's usually the problem."
* User
Brightness Knob
The vast majority
of problems that end users encounter are caused by a
loose nut behind
the keyboard. Not as easy to fix as it sounds.
I always liked
"press your most favorite key" as a solution to the
'press any key'
problem. Pitty the computer turned off when I did.
Q: How many tech.
support staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Well, we
have an exact copy of your lightbulb right here, and
it's working just fine..."
Q: What's the
difference between a used car salesman and a computer
software/equipment
salesman?
A: The used car
salesman knows when he's lying!
"Hey Rocky! Watch
me pull some intelligence out of the Internet!"
"But that trick
never works."
"This time for
sure."
From Hi &
Lois cartoon strip:
Clerk [to Hi]:
I'm afraid we're out of stock on that item, sir.
Hi: I found it
on the rack. I just want to buy it.
Clerk: Sorry,
but we can't sell something the computer says we don't have...
A blonde was hired
as a secretary. Her first assignment was to send a
letter to another
office. She put the letter in an envelope, licked
the stamp on,
sealed the envelope. And finally put the envelope in the
fax machine,
and away....
HAIKU
Windows NT crashed.
I am the
Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears
your screams.
A crash reduces
your expensive
computer
to a simple stone.
--------
The tech support
problem dates back to long before the
industrial revolution,
when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm
on drums to communicate:
This fire help.
Me Groog.
Me Lorto.
Help. Fire not work.
You have flint
and stone?
Ugh.
You hit them
together?
Ugh.
What happen?
Fire not work.
(sigh)
Make spark?
No spark, no
fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh*
You change rock?
I change nothing.
You sure?
Me make one change.
Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not
burn Lorto
hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make
fire.
*Grabs club and
goes to Lorto's cave*
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*
--------
Press [Ctrl] [Alt]
[Delete] to continue.
Press any key
to continue, and any other key to format hard drive.
SCAN V2.00 The
[ @LN@ ] Virus was found. Delete? (Y/n)
Enter any 11-digit
prime number to continue...
Backup not found:
(A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Daddy, what does
"Formatting drive C:" mean?
Simon says stand.
Simon says sit. Format your HD! HA! Gotcha!
For a good time,
type format C:
If you can't
beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing.
Insert disk in
drive C: Press any key when ready.
Danger! Human
at keyboard!
Melted fruit
snacks on keyboard. Delete children (Y/n)?
Keyboard not
connected. Think F1 to continue.
Multitasking:
The ability to screw up several things at once.
VirusScan: "Windows
found: Remove it? (Y/n)"
Redundant book
title: Windows For Dummies.
[shift] [return]?
I can't even find the clutch!
--------
A young engineer
was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO
standing in front
of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said
the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left.
Can you make
this thing work?"
"Certainly," said
the young engineer. He turned the machine on,
inserted the
paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!"
said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine.
"I just need one copy."
--------
Top 12 things
you don't want to hear from Tech Support
12. "Do you have
a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "That's right,
not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So... what
are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude!
Bummer!"
8. "Looks
like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press
1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3
if you're with the FTC."
6. "We
can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of
duct tape and a car battery."
5. "I'm
sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In
layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold
on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "OK,
turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"
1. "Please
hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
--------
Frequently Asked
Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
My Etch-A-Sketch
has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
Pick it up and
shake it.
How do I turn
my Etch-A-Sketch off?
Pick it up and
shake it.
What's the shortcut
for Undo?
Pick it up and
shake it.
How do I create
a New Document window?
Pick it up and
shake it.
How do I set
the background and foreground to the same color?
Pick it up and
shake it.
What is the proper
procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and
shake it.
How do I delete
a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
Pick it up and
shake it.
How do I save
my Etch-A-Sketch document?
Don't shake it.
--------
Computers Made
Stupid
Dr. Computer
Science answers your questions:
Q: Can I put
a double sided floppy disk in the envelope from a single sided
floppy?
A: No.
You see, single sided disks were invented because there all have a
single song on
the other side. That's why they are the same size as a 45 rpm
record. Unfortunately,
the sleeves are hard to remove so playing the songs are
harder than planned.
Anyway, who has a turntable with a 45 RPM adapter that
works? Well,
you know how dirty all your records get? All that dirt is inside
the record and
the sleeve, so if you put a double sided floppy in the sleeve,
all the dirt
from the record side will jump on the data and crash your system.
Q: What is cache
memory, and why does it make computers faster?
A: Cash memory
is the part of the computer that remembers how much money you
spent on your
computer. The more you spend on your computer, the faster it will
work. That's
why the million dollar computers work so fast - they have more
cash memory than
you do.
Q: But what if
I paid by check or a credit card?
A: The computer
will find out. Every time you turn on the computer, the cash
memory checks
to see if the check was cashed. This is the memory check. The
memory won't
work until it's paid for.
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